Commentators: Mottie; Trev.

Christians United: Captain; Bad Jake; Rio; Sol.

Forces of Darkness: Beelzebub; Gog (2 actors); Magog (2 actors); Anger; Sloth; Lust; Roy Keane (or other topical figure.) .

Other: Crowd (all actors) ; young supporter.

Alternatively the sketch can be played by six actors, doubling up parts, and signalling changes where necessary through simple gesture or costume:

ACTOR ONE: Anger; Bad Jake; young supporter.
ACTOR TWO: Sloth; Rio.
ACTOR THREE: Roy Keane; Sol; Lust.
ACTOR FOUR: Beelzebub; Captain
CROWD: all of the above.
MOTTIE
TREV

Actors combine to play Gog and Magog.

SCRIPT

Part One

MOTTIE: Welcome to those joining us at half-time at (name a local place) for this Communion Cup clash between bottom of the table Christians United (CROWD and audience, cheer) and league leaders Forces of Darkness (ALL boo) . This would be a real giant-killer if Christians bring it off, but they're in dire straits and Forces have a big first half lead. I wonder what the captain's saying at half-time. Maybe they're praying, Trev!

(CHRISTIANS United are discovered in their dressing room, in a poor state of fitness and morale. During the dialogue the actors attend to raking coughs, wobbly knees, bad backs, etc.)

CAPTAIN: CALL US CHRISTIANS UNITED ?! The Forces of Darkness walked all over us. Or should I say through us. We're all over the place. Where are the others?

RIO: Some of the lads have beauty contracts. They're having a half-time perm (takes inhaler) .

SOL: (looking in mirror and smoothing hair) Heading wrecks the hair. Something terrible.

CAPTAIN: And why wasn't Stephen taking part? Our best player?!

BAD JAKE: (eating from giant bag of crisps) Stephen won't play because you didn't pick Ben to play with him in midfield.

CAPTAIN: But Ben doesn't do a stroke of work -

ALL: (ALL, wise, shaking heads) Won't play without him.

RIO: Besides Sunday's the wrong day for football.

SOL: Ten o'clock's the wrong time.

BAD JAKE: Ninety minutes too long.

CAPTAIN: I tell you. If we don't play better as a team, there's no Champion's League; just a free transfer to fantasy football and the Andrex Trophy. Don't ask me what the wages are like. We've no credibility out there. Breaks my heart.

(Silence. Things slowly sink in.)

In the second half. One. Harmony. We're one team. We play as a team. United. No beefing, belly-aching, griping, grumbling, whingeing, whining. Don't give the opposition a foothold. And NO BITCHING about me!

ALL: NO BITCHING?!!! (mutter, mutter, mutter)

CAPTAIN: Two. Play your part. Use your gifts. Not so everyone can look up at you admiringly. Do it for the team . And you can't all be centre forwards. We all have to do some boring jobs. And SOMEONE MUST PLAY IN GOAL! Somebody MUST SAVE SOME SOULS!

(CHRISTIANS look around uncomfortable.)

Three. Play for the Boss. He's poured his life and soul and all his love into this team. He's brought you into the side. Do you want to lift those trophies for him? Is the desire there? The hunger? Do you want to win?

Now, let's kickstart our season. Play in harmony. Play your part. Play for the Boss. Play with the right spirit (pause) AND SCORE 36 GOALS!

Part Two

MOTTIE: The teams come out. Can Christians save any face in the second half? There's a big crowd and I sense the whole community is watching the outcome. The teams are, for the Forces of Darkness: Beelzebub in goal, did his apprenticeship at (Everton*) (BEELZEBUB roars like a lion) ; two giant defenders, Gog and Magog, recent transfer from (Arsenal*) (two actors on shoulders of the other two) ; the rest of the side heavily weighted in attack, the Seven Deadly Sins, led by Anger, their best striker (ANGER brandishes fist) . Ah, looks like Sloth is just slipping off for an early bath (SLOTH, yawns, leaves) and is replaced by (Roy Keane*) (FORCES cringe away from Keane) . Forces are restricted to ten men after eating their previous goalkeeper. As for the Christians (by now in a huddle) , seems most of them are named after people in the Bible: let's see if they can live up to that. But in truth they're complete unknowns with a poor run of games. What have they got to do to turn this match around, Trev?

(* or other topical side or player)

TREV: Pick up their bootlaces and bind together, Mottie. (CHRISTIANS try to part but trip over their imaginary laces, tied together.)

SUPPORTER: Dear Lord, help us to be United, so the crowd will know that you're the greatest.

MOTTIE: Forces of Darkness kick off. Anger shoots straight off and unleashes his left foot - and his left foot has hit both United's centre backs. (RIO AND SOL square up.) He's provoked a punch-up – even though they're on the same side! Both take a dive! (RIO and SOL dive.) The Captain's come to make peace (CAPTAIN arrives) . Yes. They like the attention. (CAPTAIN pulls RIO up, then SOL.) They'll kiss and make up. (RIO and SOL kiss on both cheeks, tousle each other's hair.) And Christians score! Trev?

TREV: Anger is deadly ten times out of ten but not that time.

MOTTIE: (slight pause) Thanks Trev (funny look) . Little things make a difference.

CROWD: UNITED clap clap clap UNITED clap clap clap UNITED clap clap clap.

MOTTIE: I don't know what was in that tea at half-time but they're a revitalised side. Now the Captain's on the ball. Working hard. Workhorse of the team. (CAPTAIN runs with imaginary ball on spot.) Trev?

TREV: He's such a midfield dynamo that he's called a midfield dynamo.

MOTTIE: (slight pause) Thanks, Trev (funny look) . Just look at those silky skills (CAPTAIN displays a touch of vanity) . Or is it sulky skills? (CAPTAIN pulls a sulky face.) He's trying to find someone to take the ball... (CAPTAIN looks around) . Nobody wants it (CAPTAIN beginning to look desperate) . No one will run with the ball (CAPTAIN looks around pleadingly) . He's digging deep (CAPTAIN mimes using spade) . He's working himself into the ground (CAPTAIN gradually looks further and further up as his imaginary hole deepens.) And he's hit a water pipe. (Someone pours water over Captain.) . But wait, what's this? Bad Jake has seen off Roy Keane ( BAD JAKE shows a tooth, rubs hands at Keane) and comes to the Captain's rescue (BAD JAKE pulls Captain out of hole. CAPTAIN, touched, embraces him, to Bad Jake's embarrassment.) The ball is in the goal and Christians score again!

CROWD: UNITED clap clap clap UNITED clap clap clap UNITED clap clap clap.

MOTTIE: Darkness don't like this at all! Christians under great pressure. Lust gets a free kick. (LUST shivers with pleasure.) Cunningly flights the ball across the defence. (LUST flirts past Christians United players, who react in dismay once LUST is past them.) Over the goalie and into the net! (LUST embraces teammates, intoxicated.) . No - it's been disallowed, an offside joke! Christians let off, working hard to stop any more attacks. (SOL pours water from bottle over LUST.) Another goal for Christians! Forces can't cope with this display of unity! They're in disarray! The crowd are right behind the team.

CROWD: BEHIND YOU! We're on our way to heaven, we shall not be moved!

MOTTIE: Committed crowd now, Trev.

TREV: A hundred people watching eleven do all the work.

MOTTIE: On that note our coverage is about to end, it's time to go over to the gardening.

CROWD: (CROWD imitate plant growth in mime) HERE WE GROW, HERE WE GROW, HERE WE GROW!

MOTTIE: Can Christians win? It's an uphill task, but it all goes to show: if Christians are united, anything can happen. (CHRISTIANS United players hold fists together in the air.)

CROWD: UNITED clap clap clap UNITED clap clap clap UNITED clap clap clap.